For Luke
Hey you, hey my cutie, hey my love,
Today is Sunday, July 19th — one day after I whispered “I love you” into your ear, and you said it back.
But I think I want to start this differently.
I have no idea why or what exactly made me want to do this (hmm, the edible probably has something to do with it), but I guess that doesn’t really matter — except that I might ramble a little too much and my creative brain is currently running at full speed.
Anyway — hi again!
I’m recording this to tell you about my days, my feelings, my fears… and so that there’s something here that will last. Something for you.
I can’t promise yet how regularly I’ll do this, or whether I’ll abandon the whole thing again tomorrow. But until the day we look into each other’s eyes for the last time, until the last time I feel your lips on mine and your scent surrounds me… until then, I’ll try to take you along with me through all of this.
It’s been 177 days now since we started talking, because your very first message came on January 23rd — my 30th birthday.
Looking back, I think you might have been the greatest gift I got that day.
All those messages, lunch dates, and evenings we’ve already spent together have given me some of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever experienced.
Being with you just feels so incredibly familiar. Like finding a missing puzzle piece you’ve been searching for forever, because somehow, no matter what you did, the picture never quite felt complete without it.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to handle not being able to see you anymore. There’s this longing for you that already completely consumes me.
And I don’t know if it was fate that brought us together, but if it was, apparently fate decided it wasn’t going to make things easy for us…
I don’t even know if I’ve ever told you this, but someone I used to date reads tarot cards professionally. And when I had that horrible fight with Peter and started questioning absolutely everything, I asked him to read the cards for me — which, by the way, I had never done before.
And those cards were honestly kind of insane. The things they said… so much of it was incredibly accurate.
They also said that I would feel loved again, but that eventually I would have to choose between my heart and my head.
I really can’t even put into words what you do to me.
All of this is just way too crazy, absurd, and somehow also naive and stupid.
And maybe, in some strange way, it’s actually “good” that I’m leaving.
Because what did we think was going to happen?
How did we ever imagine this could continue?
