Hello again, my love.
Today feels weird.
Actually, everything feels weird right now.
First of all, I hate knowing that you’re feeling so shitty. I know it’s “just” Covid and hopefully you’ll feel better really soon, but it still makes me so sad knowing you’re sick and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
And maybe I’m being selfish, but I’m also so fucking sad that because of it, I barely got to see you on Tuesday.
Those few minutes with you felt like nothing.
I wanted to hug you. Kiss you. Be close to you. I wanted time with you — real time — especially now, when every single moment suddenly feels so precious to me.
But instead, I had to leave again almost as quickly as I came.
And I know there was no other choice. I know you’re sick and it’s nobody’s fault.
But fuck… our time is already running out.
I don’t want to lose even one day of it.
And while you’re sick and I’m sitting here wishing I could just be with you, the moving company is literally packing up my entire life around me.
And I don’t know how to describe how strange that feels.
I’m watching strangers put everything into boxes. Our things. Our memories. Our entire life here.
Room by room, everything is disappearing.
The walls are getting emptier, the rooms are starting to echo, and suddenly this thing I’ve been talking about for months isn’t some distant plan anymore.
It’s happening.
I’m leaving.
And somehow I’m standing in the middle of all these boxes watching my life being packed away, while this tiny voice inside of me keeps screaming:
But I don’t want to go.
I wish it could all just stop.
I wish I could tell everyone to put everything back.
Unpack the boxes. Put everything exactly where it was. Cancel the flights. Forget the plans.
Just let me stay.
And I know it’s not that simple.
God, I know it’s not that simple.
There’s a whole life attached to this decision. There are so many reasons, so many people, so many things that are bigger than just what I want in this exact moment.
But right now?
Right now I just wish I could stay.
And I don’t even know if staying would solve anything.
Maybe it wouldn’t.
Maybe reality would eventually catch up with us anyway.
But there’s this part of me that desperately wants more time to find out.
More time with you.
More normal days. More mornings. More plant things. More laughing until my stomach hurts. More lying next to you. More of your kisses. More of those moments where everything else in my head finally becomes quiet.
Just… more of you.
And maybe seeing my whole life disappear into boxes is making me realize just how much I’m actually leaving behind.
Because somewhere between all those boxes and empty rooms, there’s something they can’t pack up and ship to Germany.
You.
And I think you might be the hardest thing I have to leave behind.
